Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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