if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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