I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
