Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
