You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
