people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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