My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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