My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
