my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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