Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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