But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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