Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
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