He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
