I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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