I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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