when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
