once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
