He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
That accounts for only three of the penises
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
