My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
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