Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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