my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
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