hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
