Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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