There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
These tits shall not be calmed
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
