i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
