Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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