maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
