There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
