i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
