If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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