I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
