the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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