I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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