At least make sure they are 18
Why
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
