i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
