I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
