I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
my liver is dry heaving
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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