In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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