we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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