Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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