It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
