i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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