I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
