Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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