I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
