Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
