Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
