There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
