I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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