I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
